Exit Wounds
by Rosesdancinginmymind
Summary: Inspired by the Placebo song Exit Wounds. Regina reflects on her relationship with Emma. Very angsty SQ. TW for suicide.
1. Chapter 1

_AN: Okay I was going to update A Choice Your Heart Makes but then I was listening to the Placebo song Exit Wounds and it gave me angsty SQ feels and this happened. _

_This is not a happy story. I don't want to to say too much and give anything away but I made myself cry writing this. I don't own Once or its characters. My apologies for any mistakes. _

_TW for suicide (not graphic but still) _

* * *

_As you wake does he smother you in kisses long and true? Does he even think to bother?_

I clutch tonight's bottle in my hands with a death grip. I think it might be vodka. Honestly I'm too tired to care. Life since she left has been a blur of bottles and crying. Today I thought it was better, my heart didn't feel like a hollow stone in my chest so I decided to venture outside doing my best to ignore my dishevelled state and unusually messy house. It was all going so well until I reached the docks.

_My feet travel automatically to the waterside. It hurts to be here. It actually physically hurts. I can still feel the phantom weight of her arms wrapped around my waist as we would watch the sunset together. But today there are no blonde curls on my shoulder, no sea-green eyes staring out to sea. I sigh, I should have stayed at home._

_It's as I turn to leave that the physical ache is replaced with heartbreak. This was our place. OUR place and yet here she is with him. I haven't seen her since the day she left for him with a stuttered apology and tears rolling down her cheeks. She spouted some nonsense about him having changed and his desire to be a family. Their second chance at Tallahassee. It seemed that in the moment I let my guard down and agreed to let her go hang out with him she forgot all the promises she made me and threw it all away with a drunk liaison with the past._

_She seemed to think it would make everyone happier to go back to him. I scoff bitterly. Everyone else may be happier but she isn't. She does a good act of pretending she is but in the brief second that I caught her gaze I saw the hollow sadness in her dull orbs, her almost robotic smile and the stiffness of her shoulders as he slung his arm around them. I couldn't hold her longing stare for too long. The tears filled my own eyes and I had to walk away._

How could be so blind? I love her. I truly and utterly love her. I love her so much it hurts to sleep knowing she won't be there when I wake up. I want her so badly I can almost taste her lips on my own. But I don't have her kisses anymore, just the sweet bitter burn of alcohol in a pitiful attempt to dull my pain. Not that it's working.

_The breaking sunlight bounces across the floor before reaching our bed. I groan as the ray of light hits before smiling as I feel the familiar blonde lying beneath me. I spend these dawn hours drinking in her beautiful features. She says she hates when I do this, that she doesn't deserve it. I wish she'd see herself like I do – worthy of love and adoration. I already know even though we're only a month into this that I love her with my whole heart._

_I work slowly placing long and languid kisses over the milky flesh of her collarbone before working my way up to her strong Charming chin. I feel her arms come up and encircle my waist as she hums contently before I listen to my heart, so full of love and joy, and place a kiss on her soft lips. I make it last wishing I could be here with her in this moment forever._

But we couldn't stay there. Her parents found out. They reacted about as well as we though they did and every day until she finally relented they shoved Neal at her until she crumbled. Now her kisses belong to him. I wonder if he ever takes the time to make her feel loved with his kisses. From what I've seen he doesn't. I seem to be the only one who can see how empty the ones she gives him are. Everyone else goes on about their true love, even Henry on the rare occasions he comes over tells me over and over how happy they are. All of them oblivious to how each time they mention causes my fragile glass heart to break even further.

_"Regina I'm sorry" she says pitifully her head hung low._

_Angry tears run down my reddened cheeks as she apologises for her indiscretion, "You're sorry?! I trusted you! You promised me forever!"_

_She looks up to me before grabbing my arms gently. I try and wriggle out of them but she stills me, "I really am sorry but I can't give you that. You should be with someone you deserve"_

_"I want you" I whisper as she drops my hands and walks out the door taking my happiness and love with her._

I sob as I take another swig from the bottle in my shaking hands. I wanted her then and I want her now. The clock chimes eleven from the study and I shudder. I know what she and I would be doing now if only she were here. Had I known that would have been our last time I would have used every second I had to cherish her and soak in the joy of having her be with me. But she is not here. She is with him. The sob that comes out of my throat sounds like an anguished cry as I can guess what they're doing. But he doesn't fit her like I did. I wish she was here. I wrap my arm around my knees knowing that I am alone.

_Henry tells me how happy Emma and Neal are. He tells me about how great it is that his family is together. Those words send me running to the bathroom to throw up. Family. It's what she promised me but clearly she lied. She wanted her Tallahassee, her, Neal and Henry. No room for me in that equation._

_I stumble back out into the diner on shaky legs. Henry eyes me with concern, "You okay Mom?"_

_"I'm fine dear" I reply pushing away the breakfast that I no longer want. What's the point anyway? There's no Emma to jokingly steal some of my eggs and pepper kisses over my cheek when I try to scold her. Everywhere I go now I see memories of us. Of what she threw away. The bell rings over the door and they walk in. His hand holding hers, overwhelming it. I remember how her hand used to feel in mine. A perfect fit she called it._

_I look up to meet her eyes. She smiles at the kid but that pretence of happiness does not reach her orbs. Neal nods at me before wrapping his arm around her possessively. She frowns but gives into the motion. For someone who is in true love and is so happy she looks miserable._

It's her empty eyes that hurt me the most. I love her eyes and how much expression she held in them. Within a second I could tell how she was feeling just by looking at them. I could spend hours drowning in the ocean of her gaze. Yet when she's with him I can't see the Emma I know and love. It was the first day I saw them in the diner and saw her eyes that I knew she had chosen him but that she wasn't happy.

She's unhappy and it kills me because that's all I wanted. I think I could have made her happy had she just chosen me but instead she stays with him. Day after day I wait in my cold empty house for her to realise the truth but she keeps herself trapped.

I go to drink from the bottle again only tonight the alcohol isn't helping. It used to make me forget but today I can't. I just keep seeing a lost pair of eyes staring at me.

I want her so badly. I just want to hold her in my arms. I just want to see her. I would give anything to kiss her one more time or to hear her lips sound out "I love you". But I can't have any of that because she isn't with me. She's with him.

The bottle flies out of my hands as I sob feeling the anger rise again. She threw what we had away so she could end up miserable. How could she do that? She doesn't love him. He doesn't treat her like I did. He doesn't cherish her. He sees her as a possession of his, as a trophy he won. I love her and I hate her. I want her so badly I can picture her standing next to me, laughing and smiling. I scream at the hallucination willing it to go away but it doesn't. My heart and head are filled with Emma.

I let the tears cascade down my face as I walk to where the bottle has smashed against the floor. The shards scattered across the carpet, a mirror of my heart.

_"Come on honey. Stop working" she whispers sliding up behind me in my study._

_"I'd love to Emma but I need to get this done" I say pointing to the desk laden with papers._

_"Do it tomorrow. Come on. Doesn't snuggling with me under a blanket while we watch Grey's Anatomy sound way more fun than reports?" she asks batting her lashes and pouting at me._

_I grin back at her adorableness before relenting. Screw the paperwork I think turning in her arms. I'd rather be with her any night._

That desk taunts me now. It's full of overflowing papers since I can't find it in me to work anymore. Seeing the stack makes that anger rise again and I shove them off the desk, one landing at my feet. I bend down to pick it up only to find it's a small handwritten note:

_Hey Regina,_

_I have that dinner with Neal tonight. I'll see you later on. Love you. XO Emma._

Only she didn't come back that night.

Or any other night.

I throw the lying note into the puddle of vodka before punching it and screwing it into the drink. Why couldn't she love me? Why not me?

A shard of glass shines in the light.

I pick it up.

_We lay snuggled up together in the bed. "How are you feeling?" she asks tenderly stroking my cheek the way she always does after waking me from a nightmare. "Better" I reply shifting closer into her embrace. "Can you promise me something?" I ask quietly into her shoulder._

_"What?"_

_"That you won't leave me" I whisper letting a tear roll down my face. She frowns before lifting my head up and brushing it away._

_"Regina I will never leave you. I promise. I will love you forever and always"_

"Forever and always" I whisper as the sting in my wrist increases. I lie down on the ground not even caring as my tears drip onto the floor in a steady rhythm with the liquid spilling from my wrist. I love her so much. I want her. But she's gone and she took my heart with her.

As my eyes slip shut the last thing I see are two words on a piece of paper _Love you_.

_Thank you for reading. _


	2. Chapter 2

_AN: I had a few reviews ask for an epilogue with Emma. This is it. This was actually so heartbreaking to write that I need to go write or read something fluffy now because JFC this is sad. I apologise for any mistakes. Hope you like it :)_

**Too Late **

I startle awake as he snores beside me. I frown looking at him trying to get the image of her out of my head but it isn't that easy. Every time I'm with him just reminds me of what I gave up to make everyone else happy. I'm a coward. I know that. I sacrificed our happiness because I thought this would be better for both of us. I should have fought for her. I should have fought for our happiness. I think this most nights but tonight the thought is stronger. I feel an odd pain in my heart as I try to catch my breath. _Something's wrong_. I slide out of the bed and he doesn't move. She would have noticed my absence straightaway. She always did, even that first night.

_I wake up in the middle of night to see brunette hair atop my chest. Panic floods through me. I slept with Regina. Henry's Mom. My parents' archenemy. Oh god. I flop down onto the pillows wondering what the hell I've got myself into. I should leave I think, she'll probably kick me out when she wakes up and sees me anyway. _

_With slow movements I extract myself from her hold. I barely make it off the bed when I hear a groggy "Emma?" _

_I turn and see her sleepy eyes looking at me as she slowly sits up. I feel that fear from earlier leave me as I see how serene she looks in this early morning hour. All thought of leaving disappears and I crawl back into bed. _

Until the night I didn't. Until that night when I made a mistake. A night where I drank too much and let my guard down. I could blame it on the alcohol but I'm not even certain it's true. After months of having Neal thrown at me and people telling me he was my happy ending I had started to believe them. I loved Regina but that night as Neal made promises to me of happiness and our Tallahassee I wondered if I was doing what was right for us. If we could both be happier apart. I was wrong. I know that now. His hand in mine doesn't fit. At night he doesn't cuddle me as if he's afraid I'll disappear in the middle of the night. He doesn't whisper "I love you" to me when he thinks I'm asleep. She did all those things. And I tossed them aside for the idea of a happy ending I already had with her. _She should hate me_. Deep down I know she doesn't. At the docks today I could see her sadness and her love for me. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve her love. Her love has always been so strong and I couldn't return it. Even after I broke my promise she still loves me. A tear slides down my cheek as I think of what I did to her fragile heart. And for what? To end up miserable with a man I no longer love? I'm an idiot.

I quickly grab some clothes and slip them on. He doesn't move. Why did I think this was better? My problem is that I spent so many years listening to my head that it's so easy to ignore my heart. I wish I'd listened to it sooner.

_Tears run down her cheeks as I apologise to her and explain what I'm going to do. My heart breaks with each passing second as she shouts "You're sorry?! I trusted you! You promised me forever!" she sobs. _

_I grab her arms gently stilling her as she tries to wriggle away. I need her to understand this. I wish this didn't hurt so badly but she needs someone to love her the way she deserves. Someone who can give her that forever and cherish her the way she should be. I'm not good at love. I never have been. I don't know how to give forever. "I really am sorry but I can't give you that. You should be with someone you deserve."_

_"I want you" she whispers as I drop her hands. Part of me screams to stop this, to put my arms around her and kiss those tears away but I try and push that voice away. I can't listen to it. She deserves someone who doesn't betray her because of alcohol and pressure. She needs someone to return all that love she has and stay loyal even when times are hard. That person no matter how much my heart says it could be, isn't me. _

_I turn and leave. I don't look back. If I do I'll go back to her. I'll end up hurting her again. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not soon. But one day I'd end up hurting her. I'm no good at forever and I don't want her to hurt anymore from being with me. _

I should have listened to my heart. I should have put my mistake with Neal in the past where it belonged but I didn't. I thought I was sparing us both more suffering by choosing him but this morning seeing her again I knew I had failed. All I had done was hurt us both. I just hope I can repair the damage.

I slip out of the door. I don't leave a note. He won't care enough to read it anyway. He doesn't worry when I'm gone like she did. She wanted me and that scared me. I still don't know how to deal with being wanted. At first it made me happy but then I panicked, what if she didn't want me anymore? So I screwed up.

I walk through the cool night air down to Mifflin Street. It's late I know but she'll be up.

_"Regina it's three am" I whisper to the woman sitting up in bed next to me. My grumbling irritation fades as she puts her head on her knees and tries to stifle the painfully obvious sound of crying. _

_"Regina?" I ask softly brushing some hair away from her face. Her shoulders shake as she turns to me and whispers "Please don't leave me" _

_I frown, "Oh honey" I say stroking her cheek before laying her back, "I promise I'll never leave you"_

At the time I meant it. I thought I could do it. I thought I could be the one to protect her and be the one who stayed but I failed her. I broke my promise and I broke our hearts.

I knock on the intimidating white door seeing that the study light is on. I just hope she'll be willing to listen to what I have to say. No answer. I frown before testing the door. I push it open, "Regina?" I call out. No response.

I frown again that niggling feeling in my stomach increasing. The ache in my heart grows seeing how neglected this place has become. I should have checked on her but I thought seeing me would only make things worse for her. I shake my head taking in the unread stack of mail and untidiness of the usually pristine house. All of my assumptions were wrong. I thought my leaving her would be better for her, that it would give her a chance to find someone true and strong. I should have stayed. I should have fought harder.

If she'll have me I will now.

"Regina?" I call again, the fear pounding in my heart and head at the continued silence.

My feet carry me over to her study and over the threshold of the open door.

"No" I whisper, my heart freezing and shattering in my chest at what I see.

I run over cradling her still, cold form in my arms. She looks like she's sleeping, a beautiful peaceful angel. With a dark and dangerous red line painted on her wrist.

"No" I sob out kissing her on her lips. Lips that were so soft. Lips that worshipped my body and caressed my own. Nothing happens. Those lips don't move. My tears dribble down my cheeks blending with the dried tracks on her face.

There are no words in all of language to describe the pain and sorrow of this moment. I was too late. I could have saved her. But I was selfish and a coward and she paid the price for that. I broke her heart and now I can't fix it.

I keep her in my arms though she can't feel the embrace and my eyes land on a torn strip of paper in a pool of vodka. I flinch reading my own handwriting _Love you_. I know that note. It was the last one I gave her. The one before that night.

A wailing scream pierces the air and I look around before realising it came from my own mouth. I place more desperate kisses over her lips to no avail. "I love you" I sob out cradling her body against my own as if it could bring her back.

I promised her forever. I broke that promise and I will never forgive myself. She died because of me. Because her heart loved me so much that without me she couldn't carry on. I have never been loved that much and I never will again. I had the greatest love of all and I threw it away. There are no words for that feeling. There is no cure for that ache. There is just a gut-wrenching sorrow of knowing what I gave up and what I destroyed. Of what I cannot get back.

I sit there all night and morning with her in my arms. I can't bring myself to let go of her. Not again. I can't go home and face Henry, face Neal or face this town. Not knowing what I've done. My heart lies fractured in my chest. There's no glue, no bag of tricks to replace it.

They'll find us eventually. Someone will come. Until then I will keep her safe and hold onto her. I will kiss her until my own lips crack and bleed from dryness in the hopes that I can save her.

None of it works. I left her for a dream of happiness but I had that dream already. I didn't realise it at the time. I had what we all fight to find, hope, love and home. I had it all with her but I didn't know. My blindness was a curse. My head beat my heart and now all I have is a taunting piece of paper weeping _Love you_ as I wish I hadn't been too late.

If only wishes came true.

_Thank you to the people who reviewed and read the last chapter. I'd love to know what you think of Emma's side. Hope it didn't make you cry as much as I did writing it. Thank you reading :)_


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